Goodbye
by Missy Holland
Summary: So I guess this is goodbye. But what if I'm not ready to let you go just yet? WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH & SLASH


**A/N: I've been fighting with this story for the past months. And now it's finished. Slash. Don't like don't read. Character Death. Don't like don't read… It's so easy D. **

**DISCLAIMER: Songs belong to Saving Jane; Change you, and Don't Stop Now. **

**Enjoy. **

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_guess I've just been lucky all this time  
Somehow all my demons came out fine  
Took for granted everything He gave  
Forgetting He could take it all away  
Don't leave me hanging on the edge of what is real  
I'm losing sight of all that I'm supposed to feel  
Paint it gray, make the monster go away  
_

I've cried only two times in my life.

One time was when I told Grissom about my parents, and once when I said 'I do' to you. Both moments are forever captured in my soul, but that's not why I'm here today, Sofia.

Today I got a call from Ms. Jo Harrington, your nurse. Said I had to come down to the hospital as soon as I'd finished work. When I arrived I first came to you to say hello, like you know I always do when I'm here. But when I went to see Jo, she told me that something was wrong. Your heartbeat was irregular. My world stopped for a second. I..I, I panicked. Almost ran away. Jo said the doctor had something he wanted me to see about, and then she left. By the time the doctor had arrived, I was shaking on my feet, having a hard time to stand straight.

He told me that he thought that it was time.

I denied that, questioned his skills, and threw something at him. Yelled and ran out of the room. Straight to you.

You see, that's why I'm here now. That's why I'm crying now, baby. Coz I don't want to say goodbye just yet. I don't want you to be over. I don't want you to leave.

Because I love you, Sofia.

I've been alone before, but never lonely, because I had no one. But now I've got you. I don't know what I'll do, so please convince those damn doctors that you are still in there! I need you, now more than ever, to hang on tight and not to let go! Don't make me choose between having your body, or letting your spirit fly away from me.

I love you so much, my sweet Sofia.

Hey, I'm back.

I guess..I've made up my mind. So, this is our goodbye I think. I know I said I didn't want to choose, but it's not worth it having only your body with me. I..I Love you, more than anything in the world. You remember that, please?

I promised myself I'd never cry in front of you, ever. I failed twice. Yesterday and today. It makes me feel even worse that I couldn't keep a simple promise, one that I'd made you when you were diagnosed.

It's ironic, don't you think? Whilst I'm thinking about my broken promises, you're about break the single promise you ever made me.

You said you'd never leave me, Sofia. You said that you'd never leave me alone, and yet you're so far away right now. And I can't catch up. You outran me, Sofia. You were always faster than me. But then I'd only have to try, and you'd slow down. You can't slow down now. And I can't run faster.

Sofia,

I don't know if you'll remember it, but last night I stayed. I slept next to you. Told them to remove everything except for the machine that keeps you going.

I went to lie down, put my head on your shoulder.

I again have failed my sweet Sofia. I cried again. I am going to let you go very soon now.

I have to.

But tonight I'll sleep next to you again. I'll hold your hand and talk you through your dreams. And when the sun rises, I'll let you fly. When I see those first rays of sunlight on your face, everyone's going to be there. All of them. Just for you.

But when I let you go, they won't. Nobody's going to be there when I'll cry one last time for you in this world. The next time I'll cry, it'll be because you came to see me again in my dreams.

You're going to be an angel in a few minutes.

Everyone's here right now, can you feel them? Or see them? I'll describe it for you; on your left, there's Grissom. He's standing there, stroking your head. He's holding Catherine with his other arm. So she's also on your left. Sitting on the edge of your bed are Greg and Nicky. Both of them have got their hands on your leg, everyone wants to let you know they're there. One last time.

On your right are Brass, me and Warrick. Brass' got his hand on my shoulder. And Warrick is standing right behind me, supporting me.

And me, I'm sitting next to you, holding your hand. Kissing your hand one last time. That's all they'll see and hear honey. They're telling you goodbye right now. Can you hear it?

I guess this is goodbye.

Here, one last kiss for you. God, your lips still feel warm and soft. I don't want you to go, you gotta stay!

_This is when the ink stops flowing  
This is when my head starts going   
This is when I just can't get it out  
This is when the hits keep __coming'   
Just when I think I'm on to something  
This is when the bottom bottoms out_

Sorry, I'm back, honey. I just lost it a while ago. But I still got time before you've got to go. I'll do it, don't worry. But it's just so hard. And I never had a choice really. All I could do was tell them to keep you going. All I could do was pray for you to wake up. And…to face the fact that you won't wake up, is hitting me really hard right now. I'll never see those blue eyes of you again. Ever. Only in pictures, and memories.

But they'll never be the same.

Before you go, I've picked out your stone yesterday. I just wanted to tell you that. It's white, just like you said you wanted. And I made them seal the carved words, so they'll never fade. They're gold. The words are the color of your hair, Sofia. And..and I made it say:

'_Sofia. My one true love.'_

I hope you like it. I told your mother, and she liked it, because you're her only child, so it's kinda for her as well. She's the only one here now. I managed to get her an earlier flight. That's my last surprise for you. I've brought you your mother, so she could see you one last time.

Can you hear her say goodbye? I can, and it's almost making me cry.

_I __promise good enough for you  
Then I never keep it  
I pace the floor at night when all the pretty world is sleeping  
And all the world is sleeping_

So it's my turn now.

I had this whole speech prepared for you. How much I love you, about the time we spent. That I was glad you didn't suffer that much. How you'd have to wait for me in heaven.

But that all faded just a second ago.

Because, the truth is, Sofia, I don't want you to go. I love you too much for that. And I need you.

Pfff, this is so much harder than I though. Just you, so small in that bed. Me, lying next to you. I've got to push that button. But I can't. My hand won't move, and my soul is screaming. I've gotten to love that sound of your steady heartbeat. Gave me hope, even though it was false hope. And now that is all gone.

Goodbye.

I love you, Sofia.

_This is when the ink starts flowing  
This is where my heart is going   
This is when my hands belong to __you_


End file.
